DRAFT 3
Falling
(This is it, this is really it. I'm sitting in a (really really small) (extremely tiny) wating room at the top of a 12m high abseiling tower waiting for Cameron to go down it! Come on, come on I think. Finally after an exscrutiating wait I hear a familiar voice.)
"Next" (said) announced Kelly. I (rapidly) (stumbled) scurried to my feet and I start my climb to the top of the mamith mammoth ladder. I burst in to the fresh, free air at the top of the tower. (Aaaaaaaaaa, relief at last. I leaned over the side to look at the view... Woooow. What a spectacular view.)
"Great is it?" Exclaimed Kelly.
"Yes, definitly." I gasped
"Are you scared of heights?"
"No"
"Good".
She told me how to work the belay device and asked me if I was ready to go. Definitely, I replied though unaware of the danger involved. I lent over the ege. Thump thump thump a figure appeared from the little gap in the floor. (It was Ants, the abseiling instructor. She waved her charcoal hand at me. ) Good bye. I lent back, Then it happened...
Wow! I said as I slipped like jelly down the side of the tower. Click, wizzzz, clunk. Click, wizzzz (said) chattered the carobeners over and over agan like a stuck record. Wistfily the rope (traieled) trailed through my vain streaked hand. It started to turn black. I started to enjoy my self. I briskly started to jump and hop as I descended down to the ground.
(I plonked down on the ground with thud. Well now I no why it takes sooooo longto get to the bottom.) Well done shar wisped (as she unkliped me from the jumble of belay and carobeners.) Thank a lot I under my breath. I do edmit it I did do a great job didn't I. Weooooeeeeooooo screamed the sire. (Feed time. all those biscuits and chocolate cake yummy!!! I defiantly dezorve these treats after all I have absailed Down a 12m tower haven't I. I'm going to sleep like a log to night.)
The end
By Ben
Buddy feedback nice sounds affects.
Byddy feedfowd I think you do not need eny more improvement
Josh
There are some beautiful language features present in your writing Ben. My favourites are "I slipped like jelly down the side of the tower." and "chattered the carobeners".
ReplyDeleteRemember to re read your writing to make sure it makes sense and sounds right.